We've rounded up a list of some of the funniest reviews on Amazon, from the crazy products you'd expect to have laugh-worthy commentary to the most random basic household items getting trolled by Amazon customers.
from $13 BUY NOW
Even George Takei loves this howling-wolf shirt!
Best review: "This shirt has changed my life! Before, I couldn't walk through the aisles at Wal-Mart, graze on the buffet at Sizzler, or even take in a round at my local miniature golf course, without people pointing and saying, "Hey, you're that Zulu guy from Star Wars, aren't you?" Even if I wore sunglasses, I'd still get mistaken for Yoko Ono. But with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, the SHIRT now draws the eye. One young teen even shyly approached me, and instead of asking for a picture or an autograph, simply smiled conspiratorially and whispered, 'Team Jacob, right? Me, too. He's sooooooo dreamy.' Yes he is, young lady. Yes. He. Is." — George Takei
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THANK GOD there's a pen I can finally write with! (Currently unavailable, but read the most life-shatteringly hilarious and amazing reviews here. )
Best review: "Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approachable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with. Where has this pen been all my life???" —Tracy Bartell
$12 BUY NOW
OK, but do you really want to live a half-life???? Has Harry Potter taught you NOTHING?!
Best review: "Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I'd been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward). Apparently, as Dateline recently reported, 'farmed' unicorns are force-fed mostly genetically modified grains, rather than their natural diet of skittles and ecstasy pills. California in fact is ready to ban the practice and sale of such meat by referendum. Moreover, certain European countries were caught mixing in regular horse meat (yes, disgusting) so you never really know how pure the unicorn is. I say stick with fresh. I highly recommend TOM RIDDLE brand unicorn steaks, which arrive still oozing restorative blood. Ground into patties, they make a great burger." — George Takei
The other best review: "Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams." — Irma Gerd
$86,000 BUY NOW
The only people we could see wearing this watch are Jack Sparrow or Criss Angel, and the only person we know who could afford it is... no one. Plus, Montegrappa is a company that mostly makes pens, so what this watch is doing out in the world, let alone on Amazon, is beyond us. It's currently unavailable, but worth reading the reviews for.
Best review: "I needed to get 'something new' for my wedding day. Well, I couldn't have picked a more flattering piece of jewelry! Nothing says 'marriage material' like the sweet, gold-plated combination of tangled snakes and an emblazoned skull. My guests were entranced by the eyes on the skull (which glow red when midnight strikes), and the way it complimented my new wedding band. I have to say, I had no idea how classy this watch would make me feel on my wedding day. I felt like Audrey Hepburn." — Megan Vacanti
Honorable mention: "Thanks, Satan, for selling your watch!" — BC
$11 BUY NOW
LOLOL yes, this yodeling pickle is real, and we're hoping these celebrity comments/stories are too.
Best review: "We purchased this and gave it to 'Weird Al' Yankovic as a gift. He liked it so much he posted it to his Twitter and Instagram. If the weirdest guy on the planet approves, how can you go wrong? Highly recommended." — Peter
The other best review: "On my birthday (4/20), I found this cute little green item on my dresser. I assumed Brad had left it for me as a 'special' birthday gift. I tried for hours to figure out how to pry off the lid so I could load it properly, but no go. Then the thing started yodeling at me, and I thought, 'Well, no more from that dispensary.' Disappointed." — George Takei
$5 BUY NOW
The only circumstances in which this is OK to own would be if you're trying to empower your kid to learn how to help out in the kitchen or if you have arthritis (in which case, this is actually a smart invention).
Best review: "What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old 'I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?' and of course, 'You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!' These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking." — Mrs Toledo
$12 BUY NOW
This book will teach you how to make finger puppets out of the hair your cat sheds. You can probably imagine how amazing the comments are.
Best review: "I purchased this book as I was tired of people sitting too near me on public transport." — Rico
$35 BUY NOW
The Chambong is literally a beer bong for fancy booze, because chugging champagne from a regular glass is overrated!
Best review: "Champagne? Nah. I ran 18 Bud Lights through this finely tuned, artisan-crafted alcohol bonging device. Whilst on my roof. All in all, if you're trying to get riggity-wrecked with the most class possible, this is just for you." — Amazon Customer
$21 BUY NOW
Please just...don't ever eat these.
Best review: "Not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me. Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005." — Christine E. Torok
$10,000 BUY NOW
Can you imagine how heavy this thing is? It includes 87 implements with 141 functions. How are you supposed to use this?!
Best review: "I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was nearby. Which was nice. " — a fan
Honorable mention: "This would be a great product, but was dismayed to find it has no banana slicer — that's a deal breaker. Returning today." — theoriginalcat
$22 BUY NOW
This mask must have been made solely to frighten other people.
Best review: "I wear this mask to sing lullabies to my children. They are terrified of the mask. Whenever they protest about their bedtime, or ask for too many sweets, I whip on the mask, and they soon know who is King Penguin." — Lemon God
$10 BUY NOW
Poo-Pourri is a spray that basically lays down a film of scent over the water in your toilet bowl to keep the room from smelling like literal ass.
Best review: "I work in a small medical clinic and my boss is the doctor. It is not uncommon for him to walk by and crop dust his staff. These are the kind of farts that once you smell it, your head snaps up, you nostrils burn like the fires of hell and you know you are trapped in your desk area for at least 5 minutes. This is a minuscule offense compared to what he does to that unfortunate bathroom EVERY MORNING. The vomit inducing odors that vent from the office...odors that are so putrid it could gag a maggot, the kind that could make even the manliest of men weep like a teenage girl, are most definitely the reason I searched the Google for products to stop the abomination seeping from his anal cavity. When I found PooPourri, it promised to banish all odors, including the severest of offenders, such as my boss. When the package arrived, we told the Dr. to go test this product. A few minutes later he emerged stating 'it smells like I crapped a lemon drop.' Success, THANK YOU JESUS!" — Alexandra Collins
from $8 BUY NOW
Every Ph.D. dresses like this, right?
Best review: "Like all lady Ph.Ds, I frequently ask myself: 'How could I be sexier?' Delicious costumes has come to my rescue! I can now lecture in my 5 inch gold spiked heels and 'barely there' regalia while giving nary a thought to the male gaze and its implications on the prevalence of rape culture in our society. I fully expect my chili pepper rating on Rate My Professor to go through the roof once I begin to greet my students in this costume. Hopefully I can keep my 'post structural hegemonies' from engaging in some wardrobe malfunctions. Then again, who cares? I'm sexy! Forget about the 7 years I spent sweating out a dissertation and engaging in innovative research! SEXY!!!!" — Dawn Rouse
Honorable mention: "Sleeves are too short & have no stripes. Costume does not feature a hood. This is a 'sexy BA' at best." — Alyssa Picard
$10 BUY NOW
These sponges don't come with faces on them, just FYI. This one person was just really passionate about them and turned them into her friends.
Best review: "If I could give these sponges a million stars I would. I love them so much, I couldn't even bring myself to use them, so I drew faces on them, they are now my friends! I have a little over 40 sponges, and I am soon ordering more. I LOVE THESE SPONGES! They are a gift from god!" — Julienne M. Shields
*The image is from this commenter. Bless her.
$13 BUY NOW
The insanely sugary intensity of Surge makes Mountain Dew taste like water in comparison. This '90s soda is back to haunt your dreams!
Best review: "I would drink Surge even if it made my penis fall off." — Alex
$88 BUY NOW
This contraption is supposed to tell you when there's a UFO around by sensing electromagnetic disturbances, which can definitely only be caused by a UFO and not by things like lightning, airport radars, radios, and power lines. It's not currently available, but the comments section is still gold.
Best review: "I don't know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn't work and I am still getting abducted by UFOs on a regular basis." — Cyphis
Honorable mention: "This little gizmo is a bargain at twice the price and much more accurate than the voices in my head." — R. J. Reid
$33 BUY NOW
For when your vegetarian-self is fighting your bacon-loving-self.
Best review: "I bought the Bacon v. Tofu toys on the advice of my psychiatrist, who recommended that I physically act out to resolve my lingering conflict between eating healthy, which my mom wanted me to do, and gorging unrepentantly on food products comprised of 95% animal fat, like I wanted to do. After 8 short months of bashing Bacon and Tofu together in the bath, I have resolved my inner conflict and released my food hangups. The key is that neither Bacon nor Tofu wins. They have to learn to co-exist peacefully together." — R. Jason
Honorable mention: Literally all the pictures people have posted in the review section.
from $6 BUY NOW
This joke may be old, but immediately after Mitt Romney's "Binders full of women" comment, the review section on this product blew the eff up, and they're still funny to read years later.
Best review: "As a woman, I'm not adept at making decisions that concern me. So when I need the right choice, I turn to the presidential candidate that KNOWS. One with prideful experience in this department. I don't want to be filed away in an inferior & confusing electronic doohickey that I couldn't possibly understand. Or heaven forbid, have a man ask for and listen to my ideas! I'd much rather rely on this top-of-the-line, 1980s style, Avery Durable binder. It's the choice America can trust. My education, my ideas, my opinions, my choices, please PLEASE keep them safely stored away here and far away from the men that might fear them (I mean, want to use them to hire me somedaynever). I'd write more about this most useful product, but it's time I hurry home to make dinner." — Bazinga
$24 BUY NOW
Now you can drive and use your laptop at the same time! IT'S SO EASY!
Best review: "My husband Brad always warns me not to try and update my Facebook page while I'm driving. 'You'll hit another pedestrian,' he says. 'This isn't the Enterprise, there isn't a deflector array.' Then along comes a miracle product like this! I can now happily fly at warp speed down the streets of Los Angeles, laptop or mobile device perched right in front of me, so I can keep both eyes right on it AND on the road. It's so much easier to ignore all the frightened screams and annoying honking when you've got Facebook to look at while driving. Thank you, Wheelmate!" — George Takei
$33 BUY NOW
This small hole will let your kitty wiggle into the room without having to leave the door open. Perfect for when you like your cat more than your dog.
Best review: "I hate my wife's cat but it made my wife pretty happy that the cat can come into our bedroom at-will now and claw the dogs while they sleep. I hate that cat, but his door is pretty cool." — 03XX
$17 BUY NOW
I mean, you can't imagine people would be normal in the comments section of a horse-head mask.
Best review: "I purchased this mane-ly for anonymity, but instead it was a night-mare that saddled me with un-bridled panic. At a recent Comic Con, I donned the mask wearing my best track suit, jockeying for a simple laugh: "What do gay horses eat?" I queried, eager to bray 'Heeeeeyyyy!!' Comic gold, friends, I know. But the neigh-sayers came unglued. 'No! You're George Takei! I know that voice!' Now, it doesn't take a gallop poll to know what happened next. I hoofed it out of there with herds of fans riding my ass, shouting till they, too, were...horse." — George Takei
Honorable mention: "It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place... But we will be ready" — Byronic Hero
$20 BUY NOW
You can now have a beard without putting in the work of growing it out!
Best review: "You never know when you are going to find that one perfect accessory that women can't seem to take their eyes off of. Last year it was the fanny-pack designed to be worn UNDER your pants. This year the inflatable beard is going to make last year seem like a bad dream. This "inflataphrodisiac" (a word that everyone who buys one of these will understand the minute he stares persistently at a strange woman in an elevator) is the perfect accompaniment to my inflatable chest-hair wig. I feel like manliness coated in ruggedness and wrapped in bacon. For convenience, it's easily removable at the beach, when scrubbing in for surgery, or when "things get intimate" (but if she wants you to leave it on....and she might...it can be sprayed off with an ordinary garden hose afterwards). But please remember, THIS IS NOT A FLOTATION DEVICE." — Alec Baldwin
from $24 BUY NOW
Yeah, we don't understand either.
Best review: "My husband and I have been arguing about what to fill the large wall on the stairs with for months. He wanted a mirror, I wanted a large image of an old woman using an inhaler. Having always been a little bit of a boundary pusher and somewhat of a decor daredevil, he's always come up with these odd suggestions. A mirror, ha! When he suggested it, I actually laughed in his face. Then I told my friends who also laughed. One questioned why I married him. She actually gave me the idea in the first place as she has a large decal above her fireplace, a beautiful piece named 'man with hearing aid.' It's like you can almost see him tweak at the volume. Real art.
Anyway back to 'woman with breathing difficulties.' Of course I won, and my husband, being a stubborn old mule, walks down the stairs with his eyes closed now because as he says 'he can't stand to look at it' although I have a feeling it's more to do with how he can't stand staring defeat in the face! The funny thing is, having walked down the stairs with his eyes closed for weeks without a fall, all of a sudden it happened and he broke both his legs. I took this opportunity to face him directly in front of this amazing art until he appreciated it. I also took artistic photos of him and sent them to Wallmonkeys in case they wanted a decal of 'man with walking difficulties.'" — Book Addict
$75 BUY NOW
This is literally just a gallon of milk, but for some reason it has truly brought out the best that Amazon commenters have to offer (mostly because it's been listed at $75+ for quite a while now).
Best review(s): "Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!" — J. Fitzsimmons
"Don't get fooled by the easy-to-use look of this product." — Troublemaker
"'Tuscan Whole Milk' can be re-arranged to say 'I'll know mustache.' Coincidence? I think not." — Rubicon
"I found that mixing 1/2 cup water with 1/2 cup Tuscan Milk and a teaspoon of salt makes a salt water like liquid with a white color that really serves no practical function what so ever. However, when applied to tough and stubborn stains on clothing and upholstery, scrubbing with a coarse brush will not remove the stain but give you the satisfaction of knowing you tried really hard." — Tammy Morningstar
$9 BUY NOW
The pizza pouch is a convenient way to carry around an extra slice. You can be sure that we'll be wearing one of these at the next wedding we go to because no one's tryna sit outside in the sun for two hours without a snack.
Best review: "Every morning I get up and slip a pizza into the pouch and wrap it around my neck. Life couldn't be any easier. I finally have followers on all my social media accounts. I have been invited to join book clubs! I even have a BFF for the first time ever! The dog even wants to be my friend! Also, the pizza aroma covers up my natural body odor." — Silvr Craze
$6 BUY NOW
Let's be honest. The only thing googly eyes are good for is anthropomorphizing inanimate objects around the house.
Best review: "I'm 25. I bought these so that I could drunkenly wander my college town at night, appending them in hilarious places (i.e., those tacky lions in front of frat houses). My plan worked BRILLIANTLY with one tiny hiccup — the backs of the smaller eyes are killer to get off, even with longer nails (and even sober — I tried that too). As a result, I suffered minor injuries on my right thumbnail. Totally worth it though." — Rachel